Wishes and dreams hurt people

Trying to forget. I've stopped hanging around him just because I was told I hang around him too much. He knows I like him, you know. I heard about it. I hear about everything and I never see it for myself. So fucking distorted, everything... Every time I see him I have to remind myself, NO. I DON'T LOVE HIM. STOP IT. But then I feel so alone. And I remember that I can't possibly be loved by anyone. So much pain and no one even cares. I just want to be loved.

oh fuck

It's like my life just goes round and round, round and round in some insane little hamster wheel type thing... the days are EXACTLY the same day after day after day after day after day. What the FUCK is wrong with me for liking him? I HATE him. I LOVE him. I HATE him I HATE him, I hate LOVE. FUCK LOVE. Please just let me die.
Jesus christ, I'm fucking confused. Sometimes I just get so tired of everything. I don't HATE everything, I'm just TIRED of it sometimes and it makes me sick. Maybe I think too much about everything. It's so stupid. I try to make things work so I can accept them and still believe other things that I tell myself, about N, about EVERYTHING that he DOES or SAYS, I wait for him ONLINE, I do EVERYTHING I can and I can't stop, it's like a fucking DISEASE. But I love him. I just want to go to sleep for a long time.